For various reasons, I haven't posted a blog post for months. Other than the fact I've been ridiculously busy, I've just not felt it.
I've written lots of things. I've even started to write a book. But I wasn't ready to share any of it with the world.
Tonight, however, I am drawing a line under 2013 and the fear that came with the unknown and the hidden memories that I wasn't prepared to deal with until recently.
Tonight, after 15 months, I will be seeing my counsellor for the very last time.
I don't know what to say now. I guess I don't know what to expect. Maybe I've forgotten something important, some repressed memory, that will one day jump out to surprise me and push me straight back to square one.
Or maybe I'll be ok.
I suppose no-one really knows, do they? Otherwise where would be the fun? We can make plans and assess risks as much as we like but, as a wise woman once said to me, whatever happens is going to happen for a reason. Plans are good, but things rarely go to plan. You just have to learn to go with it.
I'm talking in clichés again. Sorry.
So I suppose what I'm trying to say is this is me. This is where I'm at. Am I ready to let go of my safety net? Absolutely not. But is there ever going to be a better time to let go? No.
Letting go is hard and scary, but I have two choices. I can cling on to this, and the reminder of all the negative things, or I can let go, knowing that I am never going to be in this exact place at this exact time ever again in my life.
So tonight I am letting go. Letting go of little girl, lost.
At this moment, I am little girl, found.
Onwards and upwards.
(OK, enough of the clichés. I'm done now).