Positive Thinking and Emotional Rollercoasters

Thank you everyone for all your lovely words of support over the last few days. I am exhausted, physically and mentally, but the fact that I am recognising emotions (currently anger, frustration, relief and a new one - humiliation) is a really positive sign.

Last night, I got so caught up in all those emotions that I found myself picking up the phone to the Samaritans. This is something I have never done before, and it terrified me. I just wanted to rant at someone neutral, to not have to phone a friend at midnight and feel like a failure or have to pretend that sympathy was helping (as a side note, sympathy doesn't help, it just make me feel like I'm letting you down. If you want to help, let me rant, and just listen to me. And I promise not to call you in the middle of the night!)

In the end, I didn't go through with it. I had read every single page on the Samaritans website, and knew I didn't have to feel suicidal to call for help. (Another side note - I do not currently, and have not for a number of years, think about killing myself. I am not suicidal. And if that changes, I have a plan that will kick in waaaaaaay before anything happens. Please stop worrying now. I won't do it.)

The thing that stopped me wasn't the stigma of calling them, it was the not knowing where to start. There were too many new and unexplored thoughts and feelings buzzing around (think herds of bees) in my head, and I didn't know how to get it all out to a stranger over the phone without having to go over years of background and rambling.

So I started to write notes, events and things people had said that had upset me or triggered certain emotions, and tried to find arguments and counter arguments for each point. After not very long, I was tired and just went to bed. It was pretty anticlimactic really, given that not long before I had sat crying on the kitchen floor in the dark.

Today has been a lovely day - I met a friend for a long lunch then spent the afternoon reading and colouring in. This evening I felt more relaxed than I have for ages, so I decided to write down some of the events of the past few months that I think have triggered this round of depression. Whilst I now feel completely drained (and my hand feels like it might fall off), my head feels so much clearer and I have rediscovered the stubborn side of me. I'm going to draw a line, and April is going to be a good month. I'm not going to be 100% better (it's not that easy) but I'm going to try reeeeeeeeeeally hard to focus and find the positives.

Wish me luck...!

(And does anyone have any suggestions of ways to stop my hand hurting so much? Writing is painful!)

Dear Depression

Dear Depression, 

Are you kidding me?  Surely you're joking, right?  Just teasing, poking at the edges, trying to see how far you can push me before I break? 

What's that?  You don't know what I'm talking about? 

My dear Depression,

I'd like to say it was nice to see you again, but obviously I would be lying.  

I'm sure I told you already you how much I hate you.  You make me angry and sad and frustrated and all kinds of miserable.  I have tried so many different ways to say that I am not ok, but I used up all the words before, and I don't know what else to say to make you go away.

I don't think asking nicely is going to help any more, is it?  

Oh Depression,

I forgot to say, thanks. 

Thanks for filling my head with the sound of a herd of bees.  I'd say swarm, but swarms are elegant and beautiful and work together as one for the greater good.  The bees in my head are none of those things.  They are pissed off and want out.  They buzz loudest when I need to concentrate.  Have you ever had a head full of bees?  They're pretty distracting.

Thanks for waking me up at two o'clock every morning to remind me how completely and utterly useless you think I am.  I know we're going to disagree, but you really know how to kick a dog when it's down don't you?  Could you not at least wait until the sun's shining and I've had a decent eight hours?  That way I might actually be able to fight my own corner.

Thanks for making me so tired that I'm even more accident prone than normal.  Yesterday I got my hair caught in the wrong end of the hairdryer, and instead of untangling it I just cut it off.  There's a lovely smell of burnt hair in my room just now.  I have a beautiful bruise on my shin, you'd be really proud of it. (That's not related to the hairdryer incident).

Thanks for making me act like a complete idiot. Thanks for putting a massive road block somewhere between my mouth and my brain; for making me say things I know I don't believe or that would be best left unsaid. Thanks for sucking up all the energy I don't have and making me grumpy and irritable and just not very nice.

Thanks for nothing Depression.

Dear Depression,

I don't remember saying this was ok.  But then I don't seem to be able to remember much right now. (Thanks for that. Not).  If you think I'm going to let you walk all over me again, you can stop right there.  I'm sure there are better things you could be doing with your time. Like not being in my head for starters.

I don't like you Depression. I don't like you so much that I fully intend to fight you, just like I have done before and will probably do again. I will fight you even if you tie my hands behind my back, gag my mouth and fill my head with bees. I will fight you with every drop of energy I have. I will fight you Depression.

Because even though you're winning right now, I will not lose.

Go away now please.

Thanks,
Rosy