Wednesday 17 July 2013

Let's do a rain dance

Or: 5 reasons I'm not enjoying the summer

Just a few weeks ago, I was thinking how lovely it would be to get on a plane and spend a week sitting in the sun somewhere exotic, sipping cocktails and listening to the sea gently lapping against the sand.

Ok, anyone who knows me will know that this is exactly not  how I would spend a week abroad (I'm more likely to be found running around a city trying to see ALL of the things listed in my guide book before returning to work to recover).  But for some reason I thought it would be nice to get some sun.

Boy am I regretting that now.  And here are five reasons why I am not enjoying this glorious weather:

1.  Clothes

I've talked before about how I feel about the way I look.  As someone who feels most comfortable in jeans, a hoody and doc martens (I have 7 pairs!), summer is a nightmare.  If I could wear my pyjamas all the time, I would.  During the summer, I adapt - jeans just get a bit shorter, and DMs are replaced with flipflops, so weekends are sorted.

Then Monday happens.  Getting dressed is way more stressful than it needs to be.  After last week's disasterous shopping trip, I found the courage to take myself back into town and buy a dress.  Well, I ended up buying two, albeit the same style in two different colours.  I don't hate them.  This is good.  However, they are quite short, and there's quite a lot of leg on show.  So although I've bought two dresses which make the perfect summer work outfits, I accessorise them with thick grey tights and cardigans.  Cue abnormal levels of dehydration.  I might as well just wear jeans and hoodies.  Or my pyjamas.

2.  Sweat

Just uuuuurgh!  My sweat, other people's sweat, it's all just gross.

3.  Hayfever

The competitive part of my brain finds hayfever, or any illness for that matter, particularly difficult to deal with.  While I want to scrape my eyeballs out with a blunt teaspoon just to stop them itching, others around me are suffering much, much more.  Although I sympathise with how they are feeling, I find myself trying to out-do them, telling tales of the time I got heat rash so bad I ended up in hospital, or the time I sneezed twelve times in a row and pulled all the muscles in my back so I couldn't walk for a week.  I hear myself speaking sometimes and wish the hole I'm digging for myself would just open up and swallow me whole.  I don't know why I do it, but I really wish I could make it stop!

Anyway, hayfever is that really annoying ailment that makes you feel like death, and the only way to just take the edge off it is to take the world's tiniest tablet, one a day, which doesn't actually make anything better, it just makes you so drowsy you forget that you feel horrendous.  Not only this, but it forces you to sit inside, with the windows and doors firmly locked.  So you can't even enjoy the glorious weather, unless it's from behind a layer of double-glazing, which you would be able to see through if it wasn't for the condensation, the result of it being TOO HOT!  

For those of you suffering, here is a view to make you feel better!
4.  Flying things 

A few years ago, on a rare occasion when I decided to clean through choice (rather than by being forced by an impending flat inspection) I lifted the toilet seat and came face-to-face with a hornet that was literally the size of my thumb.  Traumatised by this experience, I realised recently, I now check under the toilet seat every time I go into the bathroom.  Even if I'm just cleaning my teeth.

It's not just the huge increase in flying insects that I hate about the summer.  I'm sure the heat makes birds go insane.  For example, walking home today, I watched a seagull meticulously tear open a discarded bin bag, remove its contents one piece at a time, and line them up along the pavement.  What?!  On Saturday, I went for a walk with my friend and her one-year-old son, Peanut*, who is just starting to walk.  As we toddled along through the park, we came across a flock of pigeons.  Of course, Peanut decided it would be hilarious to chase them.  I'm sure I saw a flicker of something evil flash across the eyes of the fattest pigeon as it swiftly avoided the grasp of an over-confident toddler. They're plotting revenge.  

(*he's not actually called Peanut)

5.  The fact that everyone keeps talking about it! 

Right everyone.  It's hot.  It's sunny.  We're all melting.  I get that.  The thing that bugs me isn't so much the ordinary person on the street.  It's the weather reporters.  15 years ago, we might have been able to justify the daily surprise that was the weather.  But technology has moved on.  The weather people, of all people, should know better.  Technology can help them work out that it's going to rain a week next Tuesday.  It shouldn't, therefore, be a surprise a week next Tuesday when the heavens open.  So, BBC, please stop sending your presenters off to the glorious caravan sites of Great Britain to marvel over the fact that the sun is shining. Again.

The other thing that bugs me is people constantly "blaming" Global Warming.  Let me get one thing straight here. Global Warming Does. Not. Exist.  It's not a person, it therefore cannot be blamed.  Just like Santa and the Easter Bunny, Global Warming has been created by people to make them feel better about something people have caused.  Instead of being surprised on a daily basis that "today is the hottest day of the year so far", let's think about why the weather is "so unusual".  Just think.



So, here are just five things about the summer, or, more specifically, the heat, that I just can't deal with.  There are more things - the fact I can't enjoy an ice cream without getting ill; the fact I haven't had more than 5 hours sleep for about the last 6 weeks; and the fact that I have to spend the next 4 weeks indoors writing my Masters Dissertation rather than enjoying being outside.

Or maybe I'll sit in my substitute library!
But who am I to complain?  I live in the UK, I will enjoy the sun while I can, while gritting my teeth and carrying on until, undoubtedly, normality resumes and the flood warnings return.

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